Story time with Voldemort
by Jang Saverem
Summary: A story from the life of the most loved Harry Potter Character Voldemort
1. Hogwarts Express

All characters and or places belong to Warner Bros. rights to characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

A story based off of "Randomizing the World". Please read that one first to understand how it works.

Zoom in down to a damp dark cave-like area where a seat sits in the middle. There is no one there. Time passes by and finnaly an old nasty man's voice is heard coming from the shadows.  
"I'm coming I'm coming damnit. I knew you all would return to listen to Vol...sorry "that Dude your all too afraid to say his name" Story Time."  
He sits down in the chair holding a large book in his hands.

"Ok where to start. Yes yes i know. This story is all fact and no fiction ya see? It's about how Harry Potter is indeed my son and not that stinky rednecked thief James Pothead-Potter and Lily sexywhore-something or whatever. Now It all started in my prime years at Hogwarts. I met Lily on the first day on that train that brings us to the Hogwarts grounds. We were in the same little room uh...thingy...and right away I whipped that sucker out in front of her."  
He wiggles his finger in the air and then uses his hands to show how big it was.

"Yup thats right sonny."  
he points to an invisible kid and gives him a thumbs up  
"I took my wand out right in front of her and showed her how nice and long it was...What was that Jimmy?"  
He smacks at the air.  
"Stop thinking dirty like that. I mean I know it was a long woody but it was not "Wizards Pole" ill tell you. I was like what eleven? I hardly thought about them sweet assed bitches...Oh yeah...oh oh yeah. Eh eh sorry back to the story. My pimp status just comes out like that sometimes if ya knows what i be meaning. ANYWAY. Lily took a liking to me as well but then not but a minute later that Potter came in. He barged in with his joint in hand and "Bag-o-Weed" in the other. Yeah you know it he was worse than a Mudblood...He was IRISH. Ooooo weeee ooooo. I know horrible isnt it?"

He scratches his big pot belly.  
"He sat down right next me and blew the smoke in my face and said "Yo whats up my white brother from another Jewish mother?" I spat back at him that i was clearly not Jewish, though i did agree with his other statement about the whole whiteness thing, because clearly where were both in fact white."

"Now then enough about pot…back to the sexyness which is Lily. She was sure fine and I wanted a piece then and there, funny part was I hadn't even gone through puberty yet so I don't know anymore. Anyway when i stopped daydreaming I looked over and what do you think I saw that dirty hippy doing to Lily?"

He leans over to the invisible kids supposedly sitting there in front of him.

"Yes exactly Jimmy…that's exactly what he was doing. He was sniffing her hair like some deranged dogs creature….or better yet a Mudblood. Yeah its true when your not looking they sniff you. It's a fact. But like I said before he was worse than a Mudblood he was Irish which means he had all the muddy mucky Mudblood ways and even worse versions of them from his Irish nature. But I'm just Irish bashing anyway…WHAT is it Jimmy? Excuse me? Are you saying I'm just making all this up and that James really was a cool guy…well I've got something to tell you…."

He turns around and pulls out his wand.

"See this here….yeah I know it is legendary. Well when I firs…AVADA KEDAVRA! Yeah hahaha no more Jimmy. SO anyone else have anything to say?"

No answer due to no one being there.

"I thought not."

"Now back to the story. As the train got nearer and nearer to our destination, that being Hogwarts they said to us to change into our robes. So of course I thought 'Looks like Tommy-boy gets a nice flashy flash. I sure do love the booby'. EHG wrong. Before I could even get the thought of her body in my head myself and the Pothead were being pushed out. She tried to sure coat it by saying 'You boys cant be in here with me while I change. Silly geese.'. But of course right when we were pushed out. Right to the window I went. It was like I was a peeping Tom. You see since at the time I was named Tom…..eh you kids don't get it. Just as quickly as we were pushed out she was done. I couldn't even get a peek, but I thought to myself 'There is 7 more years of her hopefully' Again how wrong I was…..

If people review to this story positively I promise to try and write the next chapter which will be entitled "The Sorting". All I wasn't is 1 more review to either this or Randomizing the world.


	2. The Sorting

Disclaimer: In all seriousness do I sound like or even remotely write like J.K. R? Does it look like any of these characters belong to my name in the least bit? NO no. All of the characters and places used in this story unless other wise noted belong to their respective owners. Of course this is all here for the main reason that well I don't like being sued so there. There is your bloody disclaimer ya damn muggles.

And now back to our story. What we've learned so far was that out great and lovable Dark Lord Voldemort has just gotten onto the Hogwarts Express and met James and Lily the future lovers who create Harry Potter. Woopdeefreakin do. Since when did this story have any thing to do about them? This is the Dark Lord's life not some snobby poo poo James and Lily. What matters here is that we've also learned that the young Tom Riddle is exactly what his name is "A Peeping Tom". What he wants is some naughty "Lily Love" But really lets get back to our story with Chapter 2: The Sorting.

Please read previous stories,

Randomizing the World

Chapter one of Voldemort's Story Time.

**Chapter 2: THE SORTING**

**"**Wha….what's going on now? Was I sleeping? What was that Johnny you say I the Dark Lord was asleep? Is that what you're inquiring? Well I have some thing to say to you. Crucio."

The boy who apparently was there fell to the floor in agony. But well we all know no one was there in the first place so…..

"Yeah I how you enjoy the pain…..yeah…I hope you do. Now then back to my life as it exactly happened with no question of a doubt…..none. There I was standing outside the door of the room were the smexy Lily was naked…yeah imagine that one boy-o. But sadly enough I was stuck out there with none other than James "Pothead" Potter. I mean really he smelled of elderberries and weed. So I thought to myself 'He smells like elderberries and weed.' Did I just say that?"

He looks around at the invisible kids sitting around him in an "invisible" circle.

"What was that sonny? Oh yeah the Crucio spell. You know what? Nah you can just stay that way….and stop interrupting. This is a very crucial part ok? Well anyway Lily opened the door but the problem was that she was fully clothed but I still think I caught a glimpse of some pink pantie-wanties from the bag she had with her. Hmmm? What was that Timmy? Are you saying that supposedly she had already come out and that I had said that only but 5 minutes ago? Is that it? Because what I think is….AVADA KEDAVRA!

Haha no more Timmy….yeah. Know what?"

He flips a few pages forward a bit.

"Lets move right into the boat ride to Hogwarts? I had already known that my clothes were already in the huge castle ahead but I wondered 'where in the castle are they' but I guess it didn't quite matter since right when I got out of the train a big man with a silly hat grabbed myself, Lily and James "pot…. Well you know who it right well was and threw us into the boat…..YES I KNOW I SAID THE BOAT ALREADY. Damnit just listen. I knew I shouldn't of let MUDBLOODS listen….Damn. The man said he name was Dumbledore but I knew it wasn't really him because I already talked to Dumbldork when I was at that Orfen….I mean…Palace. For kings and PIMPS. Yes…..But really I knew he wasn't Dubmyhead so I demanded his real name and he said he was Piplles the Defense against the Dark Arts Teacher. Now you all know why from the day I left Hogwarts that there had to be a different DATDA teacher. I just hated that man's face. It had like zits and wrinkles and like holes so I ate his….Back to the boat ride. So we were all sitting in the boat 'Doo doodoodooododeeeeddeeee' Is what I kept saying since it appeared to annoyed Potter. Damn I hate him. But then I looked over to Lily. Sweet luscious Lily…Her hair and facial features glowing in the water below us. So I went in for a smoochy smooch and out from the water comes a bloody squid and then that thing gave me a kiss and I think it said 'I Wub Youb'. So well apparently I'm not only a Parslemouth but I'm also a Sqazlemouth. And I believe that is the correct ter…..What is it Sally? Are you saying that the term 'Sqazlemouth' is the incorrect term. And that Crazl….AVADA KEDAVRA! Again….NO more Sally. Anyone of you other little Mudbloods Muggles or Unicorns and Pink Elephants have anything to say go head and say it. Right."

He walks away for a second opens a door, walks through it. Waits……waits some more….and then comes out and sits back down and starts talking again.

So after the boat ride we reached Hogwarts. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon….well other than Lily and well my lovable body."

He flexes his biceps and makes a creepy and stressed face.

"Yeah look at those Pythons. Friken animals. So we were led by Piplles to what they called the GREAT HALL. And yes it was necessary to say that in a deep evil like laughter voice, ok? So we were all seated right in the middle of 'them' all. They were staring at us with evil demon like eyes. Like red red rovers or a Michael Jackson. Oh well that MJ was really aimed at Piplles who kinda freaked me out. And by Michael Jackson I thinks you knows what I mean."

"So one by one we were called up to the….Oh wait there was a song….SUNG BY A BLOODY HAT. And Dumblypoop said some nice words blah blo bleee. And then we were all called up there one by one to sit on a stool in the front of everyone alone with the singing hat. I mean who has ever heard of a singing hat? Really now. So anyway bunch of people went up and the hat yelled out a certain Name every time it went onto someone's head. There was Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and lastly Slytherin. So anyway then they called up James. And before the hat could even reach his head it yelled out 'GRIFFENDOR' and he went to the table labeled for the Gryffindor kids. Then I thought to myself 'I bet Gryffindor is full of _his_ kind. Smoking and boozing." Because of course you all know he was IRISH and you know how much they like to drink and booze up. But I also thought about this ' I wonder what we're going to be served here. And I wonder why Piplles keeps staring at us like that. And If I brought my toe cream. And if the color red was really red or was it like green or maybe blue.' But that is non needed information. Well right after James went Lily who looked as good as ever. I just wanted to take a bite out that booty and then a little taste of….Oh dear…Naughty thoughts. Right so anyway again the head only got close to her head and yelled out 'GRIFFENDOR'. I was like 'No freakin way. I must get my butt in that house too. I cannot let her be near Potter and his Weed and Binge Drikin.' So after three more people I was called. I made sure to strut my stuff and smile so that I looked super freaky naughty. So I sat on the seat and the hat was placed on my head and of course wanted Gryffindor cause well Lily was there. But then….time stopped. Well it didn't really but it was like that. So then I heard a voice. I sounded like the hat but it said."

"_Ah _yes, you seem to fit right in with Sytherin. So I suppose you'll go there. SLYTHE…"

"But I made sure he stopped in his little 'put me in Slytherin' act. I said with in my head 'I don't want Slytherin I want Gryffindor. Because well.' But he went and stopped me with."

"But you only want to go there for that one girl. And that will teach you nothing so no matter what you think Slytherin is the best idea for you so guess what? That's right I have the power. So deal with it. SLYTHERIN."

"That damn bastard hat put me in Slytherin. But well look how I turned out now. Yeah yeah look at me go….DAMN I still got it right guys? Yeah I know you agree. Anyway so I got up off the stool snarled and stuck my tongue at the hat and went to my table. And of course I was the last person so there wasn't anyone left for me to stare at and make THEM feel uncomfortable. Well that didn't matter. After I sat down Dumbl-uh-head…what I couldn't think of any other things to call him so sue me. Said some welcomes and platters of food magically appeared at our tables. And I ate and ate and ate till could not eat anymore. But I remembered to keep looking over at Gryffindor's table at the busty-boobed girl that is 'Lily'……"

So you like this chapter too? Is that it? Well then get over there and review. So that way I can again think up some random craziness to have in Our Lovable Dark Lord's life. And remember its all random and little corrections are made to keep it "Sing Magnific" Also note that is totally wrong…. So get out there and review my children.


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